When you start to feel like your relationship might be in trouble, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed and unsure about what to do next. Taking early action: before things reach crisis point: can sometimes help salvage the relationship or at least ensure any separation happens as smoothly as possible, especially when children are involved.
This guide covers the essential early steps to take if you’re worried your relationship is breaking down, with a focus on protecting your family and making informed decisions during this difficult time.
Recognise Where You Are in the Process
Relationship breakdown typically happens in stages. Understanding which stage you’re in can help you decide on the best course of action.
Early disenchantment is when you first start feeling disconnected or disappointed. Small issues feel bigger than they used to, and you might find yourself questioning the relationship’s future. This is often the best time for intervention.
Repetitive frustration occurs when the same problems keep happening despite attempts to address them. One or both partners might make promises to change, but old patterns persist. Communication becomes more difficult, and resentment can build.
Crisis or despair is when the relationship feels beyond repair. Trust may be broken, and one or both partners have emotionally withdrawn. While reconciliation is still possible at this stage, it requires significant commitment from both sides.
The earlier you recognise where you are, the more options you have available.
Put Your Children’s Wellbeing First
If you have children, their emotional and physical wellbeing should be your top priority from day one of feeling uncertain about your relationship.
Create stability in their routine. Children thrive on predictability, especially during times of uncertainty. Try to maintain normal bedtimes, meal times, school activities, and family traditions as much as possible. This helps them feel secure even when other aspects of their world feel unsettled.
Shield them from adult conversations. Never discuss relationship problems, financial worries, or potential separation plans within earshot of your children. They shouldn’t become confidants or feel responsible for adult problems. Save these conversations for when children are asleep or out of the house.
Watch for signs of stress in your children. Look out for changes in behaviour, sleep patterns, appetite, or academic performance. Children often express anxiety through regression (like bedwetting in older children), clinginess, or acting out at school. If you notice these signs, consider speaking to their teacher or your GP.
Avoid using children as messengers. Even during minor relationship tensions, don’t ask children to pass messages between you and your partner. This puts them in an uncomfortable position and can damage their relationship with both parents.
Improve Communication Before It’s Too Late
Many relationship breakdowns stem from communication problems that gradually worsen over time. Addressing these early can sometimes prevent a complete breakdown.
Choose the right time and place. Don’t try to have serious conversations when either of you is tired, stressed, or distracted. Choose a neutral, private space where you won’t be interrupted. Put phones away and focus entirely on each other.
Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. Instead of saying “You never help with housework,” try “I feel overwhelmed managing the household alone.” This reduces defensiveness and focuses on your feelings rather than attacking your partner’s character.
Listen actively without planning your rebuttal. When your partner is speaking, resist the urge to formulate your response. Instead, focus on understanding their perspective, even if you disagree with it.
Agree on specific, achievable changes. Vague promises like “I’ll try harder” rarely lead to lasting change. Instead, discuss specific behaviours and set realistic timelines. For example, “I’ll take responsibility for the children’s bedtime routine on weekdays” is more actionable than “I’ll help more with the kids.”
Access Support Early
Getting help early in the process gives you more options and can sometimes prevent a complete breakdown.
Consider relationship counselling. Organisations like Relate offer confidential counselling for couples experiencing difficulties. Many people wait until their relationship is in crisis before seeking help, but counselling is most effective when both partners are still committed to making things work.
Speak to trusted friends or family members. While you shouldn’t share intimate details of your relationship problems with everyone, having one or two trusted people to talk to can provide emotional support and perspective. Choose people who will listen without immediately taking sides or offering unhelpful advice.
Contact your local family support services. Many councils offer family support services that can help with relationship difficulties, especially when children are involved. These services are often free and confidential.
Consider individual therapy. Sometimes relationship problems stem from individual issues like depression, anxiety, or past trauma. Speaking to a therapist individually can help you understand your own patterns and responses.
Avoid Common Early Mistakes
Many people make decisions during relationship difficulties that can make situations worse or limit their future options.
Don’t make major decisions when emotions are high. Avoid making permanent decisions like moving out, filing for divorce, or making dramatic financial changes when you’re feeling angry, hurt, or overwhelmed. Give yourself time to process your emotions before taking irreversible steps.
Don’t involve children in adult decisions. Never ask children to choose sides or share their preferences about living arrangements. They shouldn’t feel responsible for adult decisions or worry that their preferences might hurt one parent.
Don’t use social media to vent. Posting about relationship problems on social media can damage your partner’s reputation, embarrass your children, and potentially be used against you in future legal proceedings. Keep your private life private online.
Don’t make threats you don’t mean. Threatening to leave, file for divorce, or take the children can escalate conflicts and damage trust, even if you don’t mean it. Only make statements about separation if you’re genuinely prepared to follow through.
Don’t hide financial information, but don’t make major financial changes either. While you should be aware of your family’s financial situation, now isn’t the time to secretly open new accounts or make large purchases without discussion. Financial transparency helps maintain trust.
Build Your Support Network
Having strong support systems in place benefits everyone in your family, regardless of whether your relationship can be salvaged.
Strengthen friendships outside your relationship. Many people become isolated when relationship problems develop. Reconnecting with friends or making new social connections can provide emotional support and help you maintain perspective.
Maintain relationships with extended family. Your children benefit from stable relationships with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. These relationships can provide additional support during difficult times.
Connect with other parents. If you have children, relationships with other parents through school, clubs, or community activities can provide both social support and practical help when needed.
Consider joining support groups. Many communities offer support groups for people experiencing relationship difficulties. These can provide a safe space to share experiences and learn from others in similar situations.
Look After Your Own Wellbeing
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish: it’s essential for making good decisions and being there for your children.
Maintain healthy routines. Continue exercising, eating well, and getting enough sleep. These basic self-care practices help you manage stress and think more clearly during difficult times.
Find healthy ways to manage stress. Whether it’s meditation, reading, gardening, or other hobbies, having positive outlets for stress helps prevent emotional overwhelm.
Consider professional help for yourself. If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues, speak to your GP or contact a mental health charity like Mind. Taking care of your mental health benefits the whole family.
Know When to Seek Professional Legal Advice
While this guide focuses on early intervention and prevention, sometimes legal advice becomes necessary even in the early stages.
If there are safety concerns. If you or your children are experiencing any form of abuse, contact professionals immediately. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247) provides confidential advice 24 hours a day.
If your partner is making threats about children or finances. If your partner threatens to take the children away or hide financial assets, it’s important to understand your legal rights early.
If separation seems inevitable. Even if you’re hoping for reconciliation, understanding your legal position can help you make informed decisions about the future.
At Judge Law, we understand how difficult this time can be for families. Our experienced family law team can provide confidential, compassionate advice about your options, helping you understand your rights while supporting your family through this challenging period.
Moving Forward with Hope
Feeling like your relationship might be ending is incredibly difficult, but taking early, thoughtful action can help protect your family’s wellbeing regardless of what happens next. Whether your relationship can be salvaged through improved communication and professional support, or separation becomes necessary, the steps you take now can set the foundation for a more positive future for everyone involved.
Remember that seeking help early is a sign of strength, not failure. Many relationships go through difficult periods, and with the right support and commitment from both partners, it’s often possible to work through problems and emerge stronger. However, if separation does become necessary, the groundwork you lay now: prioritising your children’s wellbeing, maintaining communication, and accessing appropriate support: will serve your family well in the months and years ahead.
